


If I Take One Step Closer (You Take Two Steps Back)

by justanothernobody



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, K-pop
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dreams, Dreams vs. Reality, Fate & Destiny, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Writer's Block, Writers, donghae and boa are just minor characters uwu, im writing changmin writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-04-06 12:59:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19063198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanothernobody/pseuds/justanothernobody
Summary: Love — it'll never be easy, and we know it.(a short chaptered story that will be updated every saturday)





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I'm back again after not too long, but this time with a short chaptered fic yay \0/ The description is taken from TVXQ's 3rd clue (from the TTOL teasers) and the title is taken from Changmin's solo 'Closer'. This story is formatted a bit differently, if it helps it's formatted as ((SPOILER ALERT)) dream-reality. As always, comments and critics are <3 <3 <3
> 
> Without further ado, enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Kill me with soft touches and sweet nothings._

 

“Welcome back,” Yunho greets him.

 

Changmin gives him a grin, then smirks as he takes a flute of champagne from one of the servants. He raises his glass before sipping.

 

“Glad to be here. What’s the getup, this time?”

 

He looks around them.

 

There are men in suits and dashing pinstripes. Women with their short skirts and beaded dresses. A chandelier hangs in the centre of the room, under it are people dancing along to an upbeat tune.

 

It’s a glorious event, he comes to that conclusion.

 

“You’ve mentioned you wanted to go somewhere glamorous a couple times, if I recall. So here it is.”

 

Changmin hums in approval. He places the empty flute on the trays carried by the servant passing by him.

 

“I did say that a lot, didn’t I?”

 

“Very much, yes,” Yunho agrees.

 

He steps closer to Yunho and gently takes hold of his tie.

 

_Not yet_ , his mind chastises.

 

But it’s too late to retract his hand. So he lets his hands busy themselves with Yunho’s collar.

 

Changmin looks at Yunho straight in the eye and says, “I wanted glamour, yes, but I also wanted some privacy, actually.”

 

Something glimmers behind Yunho’s eyes — something much brighter than the blinding lights of the chandelier.

 

“Well then,” he snaps his fingers, “why didn’t you say so?”

 

In the blink of an eye the scene around them fades. The people disappear as if they were never there, and now they’re left alone in the spacious hall.

 

Now, Changmin’s confident enough to move the hand on his collar to his tie. He pulls it and brings their faces until their breaths mingle.

 

It’s Yunho who closes the gap, his mouth over Changmin’s under a second.

 

“Now that’s a proper greeting,” he says after pulling back.

 

Yunho chuckles a bit, but doesn’t let him say much for he kisses Changmin all over again.

 

They don’t say much words the rest of their meeting.

 

•••

 

He makes himself comofortable in front of his desk and opens his laptop for the nth time that day. As he makes a new document, his fingers hover above the keyboard.

 

Changmin finds himself at a loss on what to write.

 

He sighs. He’s been like this for a while now — out of ideas, inspiration not coming to him.

 

“You should at least write something,” his editor, Lee Donghae, says over the phone.

 

“I know Donghae-ssi. All I hope for now is to be able to get three chapters ready by next month.”

 

“Half a month, that’s the most I can give you."

 

Changmin's eyes widen. "Half a month?! That's too near of a deadline. Give me more time, please."

 

"Your publisher wants the draft ready by 3 months. If you don't give it to me by half a month I won't have enough time to review your work," he hears a phone ring through the other end.

 

"I have to end the call now, Changmin-ssi. Have a good day.”

 

“Wait-,” but the line gets cut off before Changmin could protest.

 

Facing the laptop again, he takes a deep breath. Changmin types in a sentence but immediately deletes it.

 

He types in a paragraph this time. But quickly deletes all of it after reviewing.

 

At this rate, Changmin knows he’ll never be able to get anything done by his deadline. And Donghae-ssi has been patient with him, perhaps even too patient, by giving him more time these past few weeks.

 

But he has no time left for another extra month, let alone an extra week.

 

He does what he always does, then.

 

“I’ll get it done tomorrow,” he tells himself and leaves the document unfinished.

 

•••

 

“Good evening, my prince,” Yunho says.

 

Changmin mock-laughs. “Very funny.”

 

He looks around him. This time, they’re in an open field. Yunho’s laid out a thin blanket on the ground, and he pats the empty spot beside him meant for Changmin.

 

Changmin walks towards him and takes a seat. Though he quickly changes his mind, opting to lay his head down in Yunho’s lap instead.

 

“What have you got planned for us tonight?”

 

Yunho explains, “Something simple. I wanted to take you stargazing.”

 

He looks up at the sky. “The stars are really pretty tonight, huh?”

 

“The stars are beautiful, yeah. But I think you look more beautiful than them.”

 

He hides his warming cheeks by burrowing closer to Yunho’s thigh. Changmin pinches his side in defence and Yunho yelps in surprise.

 

They stay quiet after, comfortable silence occurring naturally between them.

 

“I heard you faced a problem today,” Yunho starts.

 

“I did, yeah,” he confirms.

 

“Want to vent? Maybe it’ll clear your head.”

 

“I just don’t get it,” he sighs as he looks at Yunho. “Everything I do with you should be inspiring enough. Yet when I sit down to write I can’t anything out.”

 

“Hey, don’t be too hard on yourself. Give some time and I’m sure you’ll be back on track,” he advises.

 

“I know. But my book isn’t exactly going to write itself.”

 

Yunho strokes his side and treads his hand through Changmin’s. “I’m sure time will do the trick,” he repeats.

 

Changmin then sits up and moves so he’s straddling Yunho. “You said something about clearing my head?”

 

Yunho grins. He gives a small peck, “Did that work?”

 

Changmin giggles in response before leaning in to kiss him square on the lips.

 

He lets all the frustration of that day melt away from him as the stars twinkle in the dark sky.

 

•••

 

“Afternoon, Donghae-ssi-“

 

But Changmin doesn’t get to end his greeting. “When am I getting the remaining 7 chapters done?”

 

He visibly slumps in his seat. Changmin runs a hand through his hair.

 

“I told you I’ll get it done by a month and-“

 

“And it’s been more than a month now!”

 

He really can’t reply to that. In a small voice he asks, “Has it?”

 

Donghae exhales loudly, garnering some attention from a few of the restaurant patrons.

 

“It’s been two months past your initial deadline, Changmin-ssi,” Donghae warns.

 

Changmin groans in frustration, miserably drinking his iced coffee.

 

“Look, you obviously have been as dry as the desert for too long now. What can I do to help you write those chapters?”

 

He ponders over it a bit. “My source of inspiration are my dreams, Donghae-ssi. I always get them, but somehow I can never write them down.”

 

His editor looks interested as he thinks. He pats the table lightly when he’s come up with an idea.

 

“Maybe you should find the person you’ve been seeing in your dreams.”

 

Changmin doesn’t understand. “What…?”

 

“Maybe it’s time to meet your muse, Changmin-ssi,” Donghae says, tone suggesting finality.

 

He thinks about the idea. “I should meet my muse,” he repeats to himself.

 

“I should meet my muse!”

 

And Donghae nods excitedly.

 

“I’ll meet him as soon as possible, and you’ll have a story in no time!”

 

Donghae grins. “That’s the spirit,” he praises.

 

After Changmin finishes his meeting with his editor, he walks home with a new bounce in his step.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It’s two a.m. and I’m missing you so bad. So come back to me, okay?_

_Jung Yunho._

 

A simple browser search leads him to some social networking and school websites.

 

Changmin clicks on the topmost SNS link.

 

It's an old Facebook profile that seems to be untouched. The most recent post dates back to 2010. It's a status update — an uplifting message saying, "Let's not lose to the rain!".

 

It's such a Yunho thing to say, Changmin can't help but chuckle at it.

 

He sends him a friend request first, then sends him a direct message.

 

_To : Jung Yunho_

_> Hi! I'm Shim Changmin, can we meet up?_

 

Changmin knows he’ll be distracted all day if he doesn’t stop browsing about Yunho. So he sensibly logs out of his account, shuts down the browser tab and continues his work.

 

His mind can’t help daydreaming how he and Yunho will eventually meet in real life.

 

•••

 

On that night’s dream, Yunho's takes them to a sunny hilltop.

 

"You always know the best places to go," Changmin compliments.

 

"Thanks," Yunho smiles. "What better way to spend time with you than by going to places I've always wanted to visit."

 

Changmin knows he's too far deep when he feels his heart doing tiny leaps just by hearing that simple sentence.

 

He leans his head on Yunho’s shoulder and closes his eyes, enjoying the warmth beside him and the cool breeze fanning his face.

 

Yunho turns his head to face Changmin. At the same time, his eyes open. Their gazes meet, and Changmin stares until they’re broken by a giggling fit.

 

He finds Changmin’s hand on the cool grass and threads their fingers together.

 

Changmin has never felt such a sweet emotion rush through his veins this overwhelmingly.

 

"Is it so wrong if I want to be with you outside this dream?

 

Yunho stays silent, and for a moment Changmin thinks he's offended the other man.

 

After a long pause Yunho speaks up. “Maybe. Maybe not," he vaguely replies.

 

He presses on, "But why not?"

 

Yunho mutters something inaudible in response. Changmin knows he should stop prying any further.

 

Yet when he hears Yunho whisper, "I'm scared you'll leave me," as his eyes droop in sleep, Changmin can't help but wonder why.

 

•••

 

_From : Kwon Boa_

_> Hello! Is this Shim Changmin?_

 

That's the message he receives a week after initially contacting Yunho. Confused, he sends a reply back.

 

_To : Kwon Boa_

_> Yes, I’m Changmin._

_> Sorry, but do I know you?_

 

_From : Kwon Boa_

_> I'm a close friend of Yunho._

_> The guy you sent a DM to._

_> You said you wanted to meet up with him?_

 

Changmin jumps in his seat, then mentally berates himself for feeling too excited.

 

_To : Kwon Boa_

_> Yes._

_> I wanted to see him._

 

_From : Kwon Boa_

_> I'll bring you to him._

_> Pick me up tomorrow at the city centre._

 

•••

 

"I'm meeting up with my muse tomorrow," he informs his best friend Kyuhyun, who's leaning against the kitchen counter.

 

"That's great, man."

 

"I know," Changmin replies as he opens the pack of tofu in his hands.

"It's about time I do so too."

 

He takes his knife and dices the tofu on his cutting board.

 

He feels Kyuhyun’s piercing stare on his back as he inspects him. Changmin knows Kyuhyun senses something is off.

 

"I'm just scared Yunho won't like me as much as he does in our dreams," Changmin says, not bothering to hide the truth.

 

Kyuhyun steps over to him, takes the blade from his hands and sets it aside.

 

"Hey. He'll love you just as much — or maybe even more — as he does in your dreams. So don't fret too much and make us that tasty dinner, okay?"

 

For the rest of the evening, Changmin tries to forget all about his insecurity.

 

By the time he lays down in bed, he gratefully feels calmer than when he's started.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _There was a time where I thought we’d last forever._

When he opens his eyes, he spots a bench looking at a cliffside.

 

Yunho’s there sitting alone, back turned away from him.

 

Changmin approaches him, patting him on the back to inform his presence.

 

“Hey,” Yunho says distractedly.

 

He looks preoccupied, his head obviously in the clouds. Changmin looks him over worriedly.

 

“You okay?”

 

Yunho nods, still absentminded. He finally turns to face him.

 

“You’re going to meet me tomorrow, I heard,” Yunho says.

 

Changmin sighs in relief. “I am,” he confirms.

 

He makes a sound that he takes as a ‘yes’. But he still sees Yunho’s expression filled with something he thinks is fear.

 

“Aren’t you happy to be able to meet me?”

 

Yunho looks down and fiddles with the hem of his shirt. “I’m scared you won’t like what you’ll see.”

 

Changmin rubs his back in what he hopes is a comforting way. “Don’t worry too much. I’ll be sure to love you in real life,” he states firmly.

 

“Look at me,” he says as he cups his cheek and turns him.

 

“I promise to love you even outside this dream. Cross my heart.”

 

He captures Yunho’s lips, and Changmin hopes he’ll put away his troubles for the rest of their night.

 

But Changmin can’t understand why he could taste bitterness on Yunho’s lips as they kiss.

 

•••

 

The following morning, Changmin is ecstatic.

 

He wakes up at 6 — an hour earlier than his alarm — and starts his day feeling charged with a mix of glee and impatience.

 

At 8.30, he takes a nice long shower before choosing his favourite shirt and jeans to wear.

 

By a quarter past nine, Changmin all set to go. He gets his laptop bag from the couch along with his wallet and keys, and heads out of his apartment.

 

He then makes his way down to the basement and finds his car.

 

The drive out and to the place he’s agreed to meet Yunho’s close friend Boa feels too long.

 

He arrives in front of the place at 10 a.m. on the dot. By then, Changmin can barely sit still.

 

“Ready to go?” And Changmin resists answering in an overly-excited tone, oppressing it just enough to sound casual.

 

Boa sits in the passenger seat, holding a bouquet of sunflowers. “Yunho likes them,” she explains.

 

Though he finds it weird, he brushes it off and doesn’t ask any questions. Changmin follows her guide, driving as she directs them out of the city and to the highway.

 

She asks how Changmin knew of Yunho, and he spends the entirety of the ride telling her how they met through his dreams.

 

After two hours, they reach the beach.

 

Boa gets out of the car and Changmin follows suit. She walks first, sets half of all the sunflowers she’s brought along into the sea.

 

He stands beside her, puzzled yet unsure if it is appropriate to voice his confusion.

 

“Truthfully, I didn’t tell you the whole story yet,” Boa starts.

 

Changmin raises an eyebrow in question. “Are you going to tell me now, then?”

 

She says nothing in reply to that, however begins another topic.

 

“I’ve known Yunho ever since we were in diapers. Our mothers were friends, so playdates with him were naturally done.”

 

He acknowledges Boa with a nod. “We grew up together, went to the same school together — we did everything together,” she continues.

 

“We even talked about marriage together. I asked to be a maid-of-honour, he agreed under the condition that he became my man-of-honour.”

 

“Then what’s the connection of these stories,” Changmin interrupts, clucking his tongue in impatience.

 

“I got married four years ago, yet Yunho wasn’t my man-of-honour. He wasn’t there to attend it too.”

 

“And?”

 

Boa looks away, “He didn’t attend my wedding — my biggest, most major, life-changing event. But I attended his.”

 

Changmin feels a surge of disappointment run through him. “You attended his... his wedding?”

 

She laughs bitterly. “He couldn’t stay long enough to marry,” Boa answers, “all I could attend, however, was his funeral.”

 

“His- his funeral?!”

 

She nods sadly. Her eyes gaze at the waters, watching the sunflowers she has put down float further away from them.

 

“Yunho died from leukaemia. He was cremated and his ashes were thrown here,” Boa explains. “You wanted to meet him so I thought you should know the real story.”

 

“You- you’re lying,” Changmin says in disbelief, “you must be. There’s no way he’s dead.”

 

Her smile grows more sorrow, “I hate to break it to you, but he is — and has been for the past seven years now.”

 

Changmin shoves Boa past him, heading towards his car. He gets in the passenger seat and pulls his knees up his chest. Changmin buries his face in the small space between.

 

She lets Changmin leave as she sets the rest of her sunflowers into the water. Boa watches them for a bit, whispers a small prayer, before coming after him.

 

Stepping into the driver’s side, she gently speaks.

 

“From what you’ve told me, I can see that you love him a lot. And this news is definitely something hard to swallow. It’s the same for me and many of his loved ones too,” Boa says.

 

“But he’s in a better place now. Though I’m not too happy with that, I think it’s by time he gets his rest. Yunho’s made everyone happy countless times and it’s only fitting that he should receive his own.”

 

Boa turns the car on and drives them back. Changmin stays mute the whole way home.

 

•••

 

That night, and for the rest of that week’s nights too, he falls into a dreamless slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i might or might not be sorry


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _There’s a man who always waits at the gates of Heaven_

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

It’s the first thing he says as he sees Yunho standing in front of him.

 

Yunho gives him a little smile. It’s too lopsided, too wobbly, too _human_ to be considered just a dream.

 

“You finally found me,” he replies quietly.

 

Changmin’s eyes are opened wide, a fire blazing beneath his orbs. Hands fisted at his sides, he resists the urge to hit, to punch, to grab Yunho by the shoulders and slam him to the ground below.

 

Speaking of the ground under their feet, he sneaks a glance down. Changmin sees nothing like dirt or concrete holding them up.

 

It’s all clouds. But somehow, he’s not sinking into it.

 

And behind him and Yunho is an endless space, extending beyond to where he knows not.

 

The newfound fact surprises him just enough for the flame in his gut to settle down a bit. Yunho takes his chances, then.

 

“I knew you’d find out about me sooner or later.”

 

Changmin’s gaze snaps back up. Shock paints his features — furrowed brows, downturned lips, fists still clenched tight enough to hurt — and if Yunho squints he can make out a bit of disappointment laced intricately in it too.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me,” he shouts. His eyes are glazed, the dam behind it on the verge of breaking.

 

“It wasn’t worth searching for the dead,” he reasons.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me,” Changmin says over and over. He beats his fist on Yunho’s chest, tears escaping and flowing down his cheeks.

 

Yunho feels his own heart breaking at the sight before him. He loops his arms around Changmin and pulls him closer.

 

“I never intended to make you sad, Min-ah.”

 

Changmin chokes on a sob. He struggles to reply with any form of coherence, stuttering at each word he tries to make. Yunho shushes him and simply embraces him tighter.

 

“You could’ve told me before I got too attached. You’re and idiot if you couldn’t see how much I needed you,” he manages to answer.

 

And that was Yunho’s breaking point. He lets the droplets roll down his face and into Changmin’s covered sleeve. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, Changmin.”

 

The clumsy apology is unable to fix anything, Yunho knows. But really, he knows nothing can patch up the fragile heart he’s broken into pieces.

 

“I hate you so much,” Changmin brokenly shouts out through the sickening lump of emotions in his throat.

 

Yunho’s eyes widen. He knows — knows damn well Changmin has all the right to hate him — yet he still feels his heart sinking.

 

“Please,” he begs, “what can I do to make this better?”

 

“I want you to go!”

 

The words fall on his ears as sharp asknives. There’s tense silence blanketing them right after, and Yunho knows he has lost the battle.

 

“Are you sure,” he asks weakly.

 

“I don’t want to see you anymore! Not now, not tomorrow, not in a hundred years, not ever,” Changmin exclaims.

 

Yunho can physically feel his heart crack into a thousand shards, the sharp edges of it scratching and digging and leaving scars in his soul.

 

And if possible, Yunho’s arms holds him even tighter, as if trapping Changmin so he’d never leave. But Changmin resists, pushing and smacking him the more Yunho doesn’t let him go.

 

“I’ll miss you,” he murmurs against his neck.

 

“I certainly won’t,” comes Changmin’s cool reply. But it’s a weak attempt — it’s certainly a challenge, one that he’s failed at, to look tough with tear-tracks staining his cheeks.

 

“I’ll always love you. No matter what,” Yunho says.

 

And that was the last thing Changmin hears from him through his fiery haze. Everything around him collapses. He’s left alone in the dark.

 

“Yunho?”

 

No reply comes. He grows anxious.

 

“Yunho?!”

 

But even when the clouds under him crumble into thin air, and as he falls into a bottomless pit without knowledge of what is at the very end, Yunho’s name is still on Changmin’s lips.

 

•••

 

He wakes up with wet cheeks and a ache in his heart that’s too real to be just a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next up is the epilogue guys!!!


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I would’ve said those three words were you able to hear me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a very great song to add to the feels — TVXQ’s “With All My Heart”

They say there’s an abyss at the edge of the world.

 

It’s described as a dark and endless void — once you fall in you can’t ever get out.

 

Well, they’re right to some degree.

 

At the very edge of the world there’s a pit so deep. But beyond that lies the throne of Destiny.

 

In her palace, she welcomes all souls — the lost and the found, the bright and the gloomy, the pure and the tainted — warmly.

 

And on one day, she receives something other than souls.

 

“A treasure we have found, my queen,” her servant says with a bow.

 

The servant’s hand, which is placed in front of her, holds a glass bottle. It’s sealed, encasing a roll of paper inside its tiny space.

 

It piques Destiny’s interest. Her manicured fingers reach out to accept the item.

 

“You are dismissed,” she says.

 

The servant straightens, bows to her queen, and exits the main hall.

 

Destiny takes the bottle to her study. She sits on the cushioned chair in front of her desk and begins pulling the cork.

 

Once the cork is out of the way, she shakes the bottle to let the scroll out. She unfurls it.

 

Thought the sheet has turned yellow with age, Destiny finds the words written on it to still be perfectly readable.

 

So she begins to read.

 

 

「 _My love,_

 

 _It has been years since I last dreamt of you. I remember where we stopped last time — we were in a beautiful cliffside. The moonlit sky was clear, and in it the stars twinkled._

 

 _And you? You were as handsome as ever._

 

 _It’s been years since we last have spoken. I miss you and your smile and your terrible sense of humour and everything about you so much._

 

 _I just wish I could see you again._

 

 _In my past dreams you have always been the one I thought — no, believed — was perfect for me. I know you are, I just know it and nothing could ever change my mind._

 

 _Though you’ve never said a proper ‘goodbye’, I know I’ll never be able to meet you again._

 

 _And although that discovery deeply saddens me, I can understand now why you weren’t inclined to tell me._

 

 _The reason’s love. You were trying to protect it, you were trying to protect us, even if you knew we weren’t going to make it._

 

 _I know I may never be able to see you. But, please, if you are reading this right now, I hope you’ll know that I cannot stop thinking of you. The memories we have made plagues my mind throughout these days and nights I spend without you._

 

 _To close my letter, I will not be ending it with a request for you to come back. It is futile to ask for something I know will never be fulfilled, and I’m sure you are well aware of it._

 

 _I simply wish that you’ve found happiness wherever you are at now. I wish you’re at peace with your current situation. Even after all that has happened between us, I hope you’re well._

 

 _And, if your heart still desires it, I hope you still love me as much as I love you, Jung Yunho._

 

 

_With all my heart,_

_Shim Changmin_ 」

 

 

She searches a particular book in the shelves of her library. She finds her book of fate, then Destiny looks for their names.

 

 

「 _Shim Changmin | ~~Jung Yunho~~_ 」

 

 

 _It’s written in the wrong page_ , she thinks.

 

Destiny quickly takes her brush and ink. She flips to a page and writes their names underneath a title.

 

That title?

 

 _Second chances._

 

Destiny makes sure to never separate their paths ever again.

 

•••

 

In their next lives, Changmin and Yunho become internationally-famous artists.

 

They become people who make history instead of just read them. They become a household name.

 

But most importantly, in their next lives — as fate has determined — Changmin and Yunho become _inseparable_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for staying until this very last update :D I hope you enjoyed this story of mine, and have a great day/night!

**Author's Note:**

> hit me up on twitter @[thirstvxq](https://twitter.com/thirstvxq)


End file.
